Lessons Learned: Never Leave Your Cell Phone Unattended

As you may have heard, Jenny McCarthy came over and played with me the other night.  It was really like a giant playpen with a gaggle of drunkards running amok.  Venom Vodka was flowing and eyelids were drooping.  One Hope Wine was consumed and cell phones were left behind.  Unattended.

This is a recipe for disaster, folks.  If there is one lesson you take away from this blog post, it’s to duct tape your cell phone to your privates while at intoxicating parties.  Keep that shit hidden.

From what I understand, a particular guest at the party — for privacy sake, we will call her Schmaegan — LEFT HER PHONE IN A CROWDED KITCHEN.  After an unaccounted for amount of time, Schmaegan retrieves said phone.  On said phone, she notices something fishy.

So she investigates.

And Schmaegan finds a tweet from her Twitter account that reads:  ‘Wanna see my butt?  Check. It. Out.’  With a link to a picture.

Of this.

That's some epic laser hair removal

In addition to this fantastic tweet, there are other pictures of guests in attendance.  Pictures of another guest’s friends that we’ll call SchmAnne.  (I’m really good with aliases, right?)

Suspect 1: SchmAnne

Suspect 2.  Schmenny SchMcCarthy because I caught her doing this:

This incriminating photo just screams, “I hijack unattended cell phones at parties and tweet hairless butts.”

Is it SchmAnne or Schmenny SchMccarthy that stole poor Schmaegan’s phone?  The raw feeling of violation must be overwhelming and the offending party must be punished.

Which one of these two do YOU think it was?  Let me add how it took SchmAnne three tries to pick up her car the next day because she was so barfy.  Karma or Coincidence?

Conspiring about the hijack

Stay tuned for more posts this week about our party with Jenny.  They may or may not include nipples, planking, raging boners, and Playboy mags.


120 Responses to Lessons Learned: Never Leave Your Cell Phone Unattended
  1. SchMaegan
    November 20, 2012 | 8:24 pm

    My money is on Schmenny. Thanks for the good time wifey. I think.

  2. Linda
    November 20, 2012 | 9:34 pm

    Awesome blog surferwife! I once left my phone unattended (for maybe 5-10 mins max) and ended up with a crap load of boobie photos from some prostitute hanging at a karoake bar in Big Bear (FYI-she admitted to being a lady of the night so I’m not being a catty be-atch). I only noticed the scandalous photos when I decided to share my trip to the mountains with my co-workers. Needless to say, they got to see two different types of mountains.

  3. Theresa
    November 21, 2012 | 9:00 am

    Oh my… Poor Maegan. I mean Schmaegan.

    • SchMaegan
      November 21, 2012 | 11:08 am

      Oh thank you, Theresa…. i’m getting double sided tape for the next party.

      • SchMaegan
        November 21, 2012 | 11:09 am

        …and shaving.

  4. Joann Woolley
    November 21, 2012 | 9:34 am

    Oh the hilarity! Way better than a typical who-done-it investigation.

  5. Jennifer Brummett
    November 21, 2012 | 11:51 am

    I’m quite jealous I live about 8,754,893,184 miles away and wasn’t able to “try” to be apart of this madness. This looks like fun. And just in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I bring the f-u to fun. Wait a minute. I might have stole that last one from you. But whatever. I look forward to more blogs to come. Here is hoping I can keep up and actually read “said” blogs. Maybe you could include my handler when you post them (@nwlagirl).

  6. Salt
    November 21, 2012 | 12:12 pm

    OMG FUN! Please to be sharing more about this so that I can live vicariously through you. I’ve been drunk exactly once in the past year and a half.

  7. Humiliation
    November 21, 2012 | 3:36 pm

    Wait. I’m lost. Who the hell is Schmeagan and is that ass single and ready to spread open?

  8. CSIShadow
    November 23, 2012 | 8:51 am

    *snickers* An this is why I NEVAH leave my phone unattended. EVER.

  9. […] How many straight dudes read my blog now, huh?! Want more tales from our Jenny soiree? Read Part 1 here and catch Part 2 here. […]

  10. […] SurferWife wrote about these happenings and put it to popular vote who it was: SchmEnny or SchmAnne.  (She used aliases to protect the innocent, I’m sure you can deduce to whom I’m referring.) […]

  11. […] Then this suspicious saga:  Lessons Learned: Never Leave Your Cell Phone Unattended […]

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