Some of you know I have taken up a new fitness routine. I have been doing it for 8 weeks now and the shit hurts. But. I have never done anything that has given me such fast results. I suppose spending 60 minutes feeling close to death will give you results. Now that I think about it, I think maybe I have made a deal with the devil.
The new, super hot, sexy bodied devil is called The Dailey Method. Pretty much what happens is they scream, “SurferWife, we want you to look hot, so you will spend the next 60 minutes doing the ugly cry. And we are going to look super cute with our really toned bodies while we make you beg for mercy.”
Just to emphasize my point, I have dusted off my artistic skills and provided masterpieces that capture my suffering. What you are about to feast your eyes on is an exercise the little she-devils call, ‘Seat Work.’ In SurferWife terms, this is called ‘getting your fat ass in shape.’
I lay on my back and assume it’s night-night time. Just as I start to get cozy and release a snore, they insist I tuck my pelvis and ‘squeeze my seat.’ Right as I think I am handling this, fire ignites in the room and I am suddenly in Dante’s Inferno. They have the audacity to ask me to lift my leg above my hip while my pelvis is tucking up. Within like one second, my body buckles and bats are screeching over my head, laughing at my pathetic-ness.
|This is when I realize I am screwed for the next 6 minutes|
Just as I start mentally writing my Last Will and Testament, the instructor, with the bright smile and perfect butt, tells me that now I need to tuck faster with my leg straight up, as if I am trying to get my foot to go through the ceiling.
I would like you all to try this right now, please. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
|I’m fairly certain my body shouldn’t be able to do this|
oh look, now she wants me to take that leg that’s straight up in the air, out to the side while gyrating my pelvis up and down. Gee, now she is saying my leg needs to be straighter, STRAIGHTER, STRAIGHTER!!!
The fire stops, the screeching bats are gone, her devil horns have disappeared and I figure this was it. I am deceased and heading on to the pearly gates. I almost hear all of you pouring a little of your 40oz Olde E’s out on the sidewalk in respect of my passing, ALA Tupac.
But no, it’s my sweet instructor telling me I am done.
With the right side.
Put the left leg up and tuck, TUCK, TUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!
My ass better look like this by year’s end or heads WILL roll. Pee Ess: Maybe I am a little dramatic, The Dailey Method isn’t trying to kill me. Just slowly beat me into submission.
Someone get me some tater tots and a mojito. I’m pretty sure I deserve it.